Random Ramblings Of Ravenous Retards
by Malithius
Summary: This is a story of random oneshots composed by me, Thomas "Malithius" La Croix and Zocolp, my friend and user. These will probably be nonsensical and make no logical sense of all. If that's not your style, too bad. Enjoy the ride, and please remember, Expect the unexpected but never expect realistically unrealistic.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - Black Ash

_*- vroom vroom-*_

Ashe revved her motorcycle as she drifted into the League of Legends Academy. The parking lot was full of various people, asians and yordles, black people and mexicans, anything! Even Cho'gath was enjoying the new parking garage in his giant white van, up atop the highest floor of the parking structure, and somehow he didn't crash right through the six floors with hundreds of students in between them. She wore her black helmet and visor down, letting her conveniently complimenting white hair flow out of the back, and if a black guy rode by and grabbed the hair she would die, but her life motto was: "YOLO".

Speaking of colored individuals, one was currently standing afar from the rest, hanging out four parking stall spaces away from the parking structure. Ashe wasn't all that she seemed. She used to be blonde. So being her blonde valley girl self, she left the keys in the bike. Unfortunately for her, Nocturne was getting very angry at Mundo, new head of the whaling industry used to hunt the rare whale species known as "Alex": Apex Lot Industries Commercial Inlet Association. Nocturne had quite the short fuse as of late. After all, he had recently heard his child, Keith Stone, was smoking mass amounts of O.G ganja down at Noxus Blvd. with his pals Vladimir and Swain, even though most of the time Swain was smoking his own raven, Beatrice, without realizing it. So in that unfortunate moment, Nocturne gave no fucks and used his ult, Paranoia. Lucian was practically invisible, but at first he was too stoned to know it.

Luckily RITO buffed his e cdr, so he dashed to ashe's bike and stole it, thinking the cops were on , given her background and all, called up her homegirls: Sejuani and Lissandra. Within five minutes, they rolled in. Sejuani, head of the Institute of War's Police Division, ironically part of the DOA (even though she did smoke weed from the evidence storage). Lissandra, whom they called the EMO, was a big Sesame Street fan, whom got her inspiration from ELMO, which is only one letter away from EMO. Before they knew it, Sejuani had used her superior car hot wiring skills to Hotwire Rumble's mech. They were off at the speed of light (well, minus the few days it took to figure out how it worked).

By the time they had gotten out of the parking lot, Lucian and Nocturne were already chasing along the Russian borders, and at the end of it (because geography) was North Korea's red button. The button triggered a nuke and was conveniently monitored by Kim-Jong-Teemo. The nuke was poisonous, and the head of it was shaped like a massive dildo, since Teemo thought that the dick-shape would attract all of the female yordles, especially Lollipoppy.

As the nuke began to take flight, Teemo then remembered, "Without the nuke threatening them, all of the people in Bronze V would escape!" He then pulled a Ryze and facerolled everything in his office, even mashing his dick frantically on the window. At that point, he knew it was all over. But luckily, Phreak came down from heaven and smoked the nuke up. He then shat it out on the people who shunned triforce, Shouting tons of damage while doing it.

"That's why you don't fuck with the Spanish Inquisition!" Said Sejuani, Ashe, and Lissandra at the same time, who were fingering in the background.

_A production created by Thomas "Ebonheart" LaCroix, and Zoco "Scarface" Lp_


	2. Chapter 2

"... Help me… my name is Jinx. I'm five years old. My parents are pyros, my favorite subject is explosive science, and I killed my pet Fishbones when I was three years old with a butter knife."

"Momma!" I cried out in this icy cold cave. She was sitting far away, far enough across the icy cavern and deep trench for she could only hear and acknowledge my echo. She turned her head towards me ever so slowly like she always did. She ages fast. I don't remember why she brought me out here with her. I fell asleep on my bed next to my stuffed animal named Pow-Pow, and now I woke up here, with Pow-Pow nowhere in sight. Her skin was craggly, her eyes were as blue as the ice. I sparked an interest when she held up her finger and gestured me to come over, bending her finger slowly inwards, then slowly outwards. I walked over, all the meanwhile steadying myself on the edge of the trench. The opening above us blew a strong gust, almost pushing me in. I reached her. She was cold, shivering. She opened her mouth, and immediately I could see her breath being frozen in the air.

Then I realized something, She was breathing air, and it was freezing, but mine wasn't! I tried and tried, but I realized that I could no longer actually breathe! I am immortal! I can avenge my mother for what Gragas did to her... The rufee were the reason for my sister Vi. I never saw her much after she was born. And after dad left, mom went crazy! She started doing experiments on herself, saying that singed would want her back if she had no body as well! Or, an intact body at the very least. I knew that she would die soon. I knew what I had to do. I knelt close, And I huffed her chemical breath until I was high enough on her helium boobs to float. I flew away, my chest size diminishing at the cost of the drug. but that's okay though, Because i'm five, I shouldn't have had 34 D's. There was just enough gas to get me out of the cavern, but my chest was now flat like a washboard. And so I began my journey north, to find the fire nation the TV spoke of.

"Wait…" I said reclusively as the cyanide wore off in my brain. My position was different. Instead of an icy cavern, now I was standing aside a fiery mountain. Instead of my old and craggly mother sitting on the sidelines, now there was nobody, only replaced by the rigid and stony path upwards. And thus, this was the only path. I took a second, regained my breath, and trudged on. The fiery mountain, a volcano as some may call it, I've never heard anything about it before. Never in Valoran. A volcano? Nor was there an icy cavern if I remember correctly, only in Freljord… but wait, I've never been to the Freljord, so how could I have been in an icy cavern? Nonetheless, I could feel the temperature difference. I sweat now, how horrific. But the rocks couldn't do any but stay; at least they couldn't melt, or else I wouldn't be here. The path ended and I looked up. There was still a ways to go to reach the top. I looked at the giant wall in front of me, and it looked like I could climb up it. I reached up with my right arm and grabbed a ledge, then with my left. I repeated this process. Over once, and over twice. Now I was here, atop the mountain, looking down into a giant pit of lava. It was boiling over.

But then, Just as all things looked bleak, Jinx found in her hand her stuffed toy pow pow. She knew if she believed enough, that it would save her from the inferno quickly engulfing the surroundings. She channeled all the energy her dad, Singed "Snoop Lion" Bigelow beat into her. She then shouted believe it and everything faded to black. When she awoke the next morning, She was back to her 16 year old, flat chested self again. Yet she couldn't help but wonder why there was a scent of heavily burnt flesh around her, and more importantly why she had a flamethrower in the piltover treasury area instead of pow pow. Disregarding all laws of physics, Jinx used the flamethrower, now named Enyvione, because she thought he was hot, to blast off into space. As she flew away she heard the distinct cry of anger her sister vi gave off. Well, guess you could say that vi was... On fire! Get it? Because of the flame thrower?

_Intricately weaved by Zoco "Elephanty" Lp and Ripped to shreds by Thomas "Dick caught in a cheese grader" La Croix._


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Kats and Doges**

There was once a dog man so powerful, he was ripped from his homeland by pesky communists from noxus. Yes, it's true. There was never any summoners involved. Truth be told, the summoners only picked Nasus up because they thought he could use his spirit fire to blaze harder. The summoners purchased him for the low cost of one peso, because these communists were very interested in the foreign money. When they realised that the money turned out to be worthless, They did lose their minds. But don't worry about that. That comes in later.

Upon arriving at the institute of war, the very first thing the summoners did was ask nasus to light up their blunts. Unfortunately for them, the range of his fire also burnt them. So burnt were they that each had their legs burnt off. Yet they strangely wore smiles on their faces. They still do in the hospital today. Many knew now that the legend that was Nasus was no fake. He could kick ass and get you high all in a matter of seconds. Many paid Nasus to roll their weed and light it up for them. At the end of the day, Nasus had changed his name to Snoop Doge and had purchased a fine establishment called Apex Lot Industries Commercial Inlet Association. In all reality though, it was his secret whore house.

At this point, Nasus was living very contently. He even had his first music video, which he enjoyed because he got to cosplay as galactic Nasus, which was his spaceman father. Nasus often wondered why his father had named Nasus after him, For Nasus II could not ever aspire to be like his father. After all, his father could reproduce with a dog and create the first man dog species. All nasus could do was blaze up every day.

One day, Nasus took a business trip to noxus, to kill the communists that used to hold him as a prisoner. He had arrived at the joint where he was being held, only to find it had been converted into an amish laundromat. He got very angry and slaughtered the amish, for he knew that they had a dry cleaning service for they were part of the amish mafia. Being content with this, Nasus began his teleport spell, putting a circle of blaze flame around him, so he can literally be high and mighty.

Just then, Nasus saw a cat cosplayer walk up and start blazing in his flame. Nasus stopped his teleport and swung his golden pimp cane at her. She jumped behind him, Enraging Nasus. Nasus knew who she was. She was Katarina, the Sinister Cosplayer. Fear struck into his heart as he dashed down the street to run. But then he realised he was a fucking high as fuck doge god and he turned around. He Howled, and produced the fury of the sands, knocking Katarina back.

He then grew big, Slapped her with his massive doge blunt he kept in his back pocket, and swept her away with his pinp cane as if it was actually a broom. She went flying away and to this day many say Katarina is cosplaying as a satellite, refusing to come down from how high she was. Nasus sat back down on his sofa and awaited his favorite ho. Then he realized something. Ezreal is a guy.

_Designed with so little care that if that care were to be reciprocated on taking care of a baby, It would be dead with a spoon in it's ear. Thats right folks, this one I take full responsibility for._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Rammus goes to bjerger king**

In the institute of war, many people were busy at work. Most busy of all though, were the champions there. And so, in the chaotic bustling work environment, people in the higher chain of command thought that the champions and summoners barely got any break time at all.

So, that's how the chain of bjerger king restaurants started. It was extremely convenient for summoners and champions alike. It also provided work for students that had just finished summoner school but we're quite not ready to be a summoner, or didn't qualify for immediate acceptance and was placed on a waiting list.

Cho'gath and Kog'maw were unfortunately banned though. After all, eating the cashier was bad for business. Not because they lost an employee, because some of the summoners had weak stomachs. Nobody likes a vomit floor. Many enjoyed the things bk had on the menu.

For the summoners, you had your kfc sandwich with grape koolaid. The champions got special food to fit to their needs. For instance, Teemo was currently devouring a beating heart with a side of woodland animals. Blitzcrank also gets to consume stuff too! Mostly it's just a giant meth crystal he gets.

That's why his hook is so long. All the meth. Anyways, most champions had specialized meals. All of them, except for rammus. Nobody even knew what an armordillo was until he rolled in one day. So of course, they didn't know what to feed him.

So one day, Rammus was rolling up to the establishment. He had been blazing with nasus all day, so he was a little out of it. So out of it, he thought he was in a video game. He had started footballing towards the establishment, hitting as many people as possible, trying to rack up points.

By the time rammus had rolled in to bjerger king, he was covered in the blood of the five orphans, three bronze five losers, and had also bowled into a noxus and demacia peace treaty signing. Suffice to say, there are now about ten or so nukes pointed at demacia and a giant orbital blast cannon aimed at noxus.

Still tripping, rammus walked up to the counter of the restaurant. The fat cashier shoved a plate forward and put out his hand, expecting money. Instead, rammus walked over to sion's table, handed him a crack ball, and took his axe. He then proceeded to swing the axe at the cashier.

In one solid blow, rammus cut him in half, revealing it was a costume. The person in the costume was none other than zigg's taliban brother, using his turban to smoke the gunpowder in the bomb he had. For once rammus uttered words beside ok.

"Damn Towelhead."

TO BE CONTINUED...

_These just get worse and worse, but my enjoyment for writing increases ten fold! Once again, all me._


End file.
